Friday Night - II

I've had a good cry- I feel much better now. Now I need to get some dinner.

But at least I feel much better. It's not the end of the world.

*hungry*

Friday Night

It's Friday night, and I'm all alone, at the office, at 7pm. This is so sad.

That's what happens when all your friends have families, or loved ones, and you're all by yourself. This is what happens when you're painfully shy, and had a shitty day at work. Now I so wished that I had someone to cuddle with up and cry for a bit.

It's been a shitty day, and I'm so damn tired of being strong, and pretend that I'm all right. Because I'm not, and it's not fair that I have no one around to let me know that things will be OK. It's really not fair that I've been misreable for one year now.

I wish there were someone around who understood me - someone who'd just take me out for a drink, and just talk about everything and anything. I wishd that I had friends who would cheer me up and take me to the movies and laugh at my jokes.

I'm so tired of having colleagues instead of friends, I'm so tired of having no one that I can really talk to.

I hate growing up. I hate having to work. But most of all, I hate being alone.

I currently detest Singapore. I'm going to have a drink alone...

*misreable*

Light at the middle of the tunnel

My boss told me yesterday that she had seen improvements in my work. " Don't be so shocked!" she laughed. "But keep it up"

I am really really happy. I told my boss very frankly " I wouldn't leave right now - not when I haven't proven that I can do this. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't do this. "

"Good," she said " that's the spirit! But you know, it's good that you want to prove people wrong, but that shouldn't be the only motivating factor"

"No," I answered, " It isn't- because one day, I'll be right, and I wouldn't need to prove people wrong anymore!" :D

I'm really proud of myself. I'm a fighter. I think sometimes, I just need a goal to work towards to. Or just a kick in the butt to get myself going...

Monday Blues continued into the Afternoon

...and so, I had the Monday Blues.

I was nearly in tears. The work was boring+horrible. I felt misreable- for not getting enough sleep, and I hated my perverted boss...

And then- as if a miracle, the grumpy receptionist dumped a small white package in my in-tray...

And I wiped my tears, and opened the package, and it was a letter and presents from Toby... my grin got wider and wider as I found some pretty postcards, a carving of some sort from Africa, a Celtic coaster and some pictures of me in London when I was really really fat and had really bushy eyebrows (I'll show you guys one day). But what I loved most was the letter that came along with it...

It was a simple letter, but I felt the sunshine shine through - and it made me so happy. Happy beyond words. Work wasn't that bad afterall... I was so happy that someone cared...

So- if any of you wants to make me happy- pls send letters/ parcels to my work place :

(ask me for the complete add)

I love letters and presents ... I love people caring about me... I love life...

*Love*

Monday Blues and Giants from Earth

I have really really exciting dreams usually. They are so cool, you can make a movie out of it and win the Oscars hands down...

I had a very very cool dream last night on the train :D - Somehow Toby was there with me (in my dream). I don't know why. Anyway, we were in a big metropolitan city (in Singapore) with high skyscrapper, modern, but dirty - very busy. We were walkng and talking about something serious- we were actually arguing on the side of the road. And just if it felt our anger, the ground rumbled, and the sun blackened out. It was so loud that we had to cover our ears and cowered in fear, and just then- in between the high-rise buildings, gigantic robots rose from the ground and rose higher and higher up until they were taller than these buildings. And all this while, they stared down at us with red eyes - talking in a language that I didn't understand... the lead robot that looked remarkly like optimus prime, and it was trying to tell me something important...

...And then I woke up... damn. Oh well, the sacred message (that will save the galaxy) will be lost on me forever...maybe that's why I had Monday Blues to begin with....

Musings - Fireflies

I saw fireflies on friday evening - outside my house.

They are beautiful erratic creatures. In the night sky, you can't be certain whether its the stars or the fireflies - until they start moving. Little sparks of light in the sky- whizzing around from one tree to the next.

They really do remind me of fairies.

My dad and I spent a few minutes admiring the sight. I sure am lucky to have firefires outside my home.

I told my sister "Look, fireflies!"

She answered " Yeah, yeah, we've seen them already - they're always there. Can we go now?"

I think it's such a pity that we take these tiny things in life for granted. But who am I to judge? I take the silly band "Simple Plan, or Good Charlotte or Harry Potter or America's next top model" for granted... and for some reason, my sister go crazy over them...

Prehaps I just appreciate the finer things in life... :P

Musings - Memories

I was reading one of my favourite blogs today.

The author was talking about his girlfriend, and he wrote something that struck a chord. He said " Memories made together are the most lasting of all".

Simple and so true...

You can visit his blog here: http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com/

I love his writing. It's simple, raw, but beautiful. Unfortunately, he doesn't know I exisit.

Nevermind, one day I will make myself heard. :)

Musing- Marathons

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend, P. the other day - about Marathons.

She asked us- " Why would anyone want to run in a marathon? It's 6 hours of running - even if you could run non-stop, wouldn't you get bored? I'd fall asleep while running..."

I couldn't argue with her on that - it would be boring and very very painful...

Sesame

This is Sesame, my cat. Isn't she beautiful? She was in a photo taking kind of mood, so I grabbed the opportunity.

She's the kind of cat who always want to be around people. She loves snuggling up to us - no matter who it is. She has this *meow* which metls people's heart. You really can't deny her what she wants! And she usually only wants 4 things - to be cuddled, food, to be let out, or she wants some aircon.

We found her a loong time ago - no actually, she found us a loong time ago when one day when she was just a wee little kitten, she just appeared around our house and started meowing (not in a whining way, but more in a " I want a home" kind of way. It was love at first sight -my brother picked her up and that was that. She's been with us ever since - for over 10 years now. Imagine that!

Over the years, she has given us soo many precious memories.

I really love her!

This is my other cat, Frodo / Dodo - My brother bought her home and sister gave her the goofy name. Ever since then, she's been an angry cat- I guess people are right - think of the child/animal's future when you give it a name...

I am sure every cat in the neighbourhood laughs at her. Poor thing. But she is a pain in the ass...

The Art of Smoking

I had a real business meeting with some Japanese folks who were exploring the possibility of doing business in Singapore someday.

These Japanese people - my gosh, they are so zen (Is there such a word)?

They told us their intentions all over the world. But when we asked them what their business plans were in Singapore, they responded "Ah, the Japanese have an old saying - The darkest place is at the foot of the lighthouse. "

Basically, it meant they didn't know what they wanted to do here. But it sounds sooo smart, doesn't it?

Gosh. I have to learn from the Japanese. I just *have* to.


Note: "Smoke" [Singlish: verb. Hide the truth from, intentionally deceive or mislead]

Blind Dates

I will never never never ever go on blind dates ever again!

Blind dates work like this: - You are scheduled to meet a person at you know nothing about , except the *crap* the agency tells you - i.e. his age, what he does for a living, what he likes to do in his free time, blah blah blah. You arrive at a designated location at the designated hour and try to strike up a conversation and get some connections going with this total stranger.

You meet your date sitting there waiting for you. And when you make eye contact, you go " Oh dear, THIS is what he looks like". And you see your grand plans of seducing your Mr. Right go up in flames.

And being polite, (and because it's expected of you), you either start interogating your date: " Where are you from, what do you do, why are you here" or do the small talk startegy and make yourself sound smart: " You know, I don't think that the dating agency is really that effective, I'm ready to ask for my money back. How has your experience been?" or " Hmm, the property market is so hot here, isn't it" ...

Either way - blind dates reminds me more of a business meeting than a date. It's hard to make a connection when you're sceptical and when you think " Oh ..shit.. what am I in for??" within the first 1o min of the date.

I was sooo tempted to shake my date's hand at the end, and give him my business card... never again.. I will continue my search in a pub/club with alcohol and low cut tops . I think my success rates would be MUCH higher... and I think I would be MUCH more satisfied.

Blood sucking experience

Today, I wanted to do something special, and I did! I didn't expect to do it, but I did :) - I donated blood for the first time.

My friend met up with me for lunch. And he told me that he was going to donate blood. I thought for a while, and asked whether I could come along. My though process was this: " Donate blood?!! Are you crazy ?? What for? You're afraid of needles, It's painful, you'll loose blood (duh) and for what? what's the point?? - but but but" my thought process went on, "- You've never tried it before, why don't you? It could be something exciting, something satisfying, come on, come on...overcome the fear, don't be such a wimp", and before I could stop it, I said " Can I come along? " ...

... so an hour later, after asking some stupid questions like : " Are the needles sterile?" and " will it hurt?" , I was in the blood donation clinic. I had to fill out a questionnaire with questions such as:

"Have you slept with prostitute?" , correct answer "No"
"Have you given a gifts to a prostitute?", " correct answer "No"
"Have you had causal sex ", correct answer "No"
"Do you know that casual sex can lead to sexually transmitted diseases?", correct answer "Yes" - btw, I got that answer wrong because I was too quick in answering the questionnaire...

To draw a long story short, I got a sticker that said :" Be kind! It's my first time donating blood!" , I was soon ushered into a big hall, with 12 seats. I sat in one of the seat, and the nurse first numbed my vein with an anesthetic, and then took out a LARGE THICK needle... I nearly fainted.. luckily, I told the nurse " Please please please be careful, it's my first time" - and they were kind enough to be gentle and explain what they were going to do.. also, due to the anesthetic, I didn't feel a thing!

I saw my blood being sucked out. It's quite fasinating, the red liquid being filled in a small bag, In 10-15 minutes, I lost 450ml of blood... I was loosing blood, and so I could be a baby. I made my friend keep my company, and take pictures of me :) - afterwards, I also asked the nurse to wrap my arm in blue smiley bandage.


*I feel good*

Sweat, Pain, Tears and Money - It's all Worth it

I am in pain... but I am vain.

I went for a personal training this afternoon, after an absence of a week. My entire body, and I mean, every part of my body aches. But as always, I felt great after the workout. Next one this Sunday.

One of my old friends from uni told me that I was quite lazy at university in taking care of my appearance. He told me that I now looked great ( in my picture) and that he was really happy that I was making the efforts at the gym.

Helena Rubinstein (and my friend) quoted " There are no ugly woman, only lazy ones". And I was letting myself go at university. Let me try to dig out some old pictures to show you the before and after shots of me :) .

It's hard and expensive work to look gorgeous, but I believe its worth every ounce of sweat, pain, tears and money.

坐牛寻马 (zhuo4 nu2 xun2 ma3)

My dad- he's amazing.

I whined to him today the temptation of rumours of a pay rise today which had spoilt my motivation to look for a new job. And he just said 4 words: "坐牛寻马" - Search for your fast horse on the back of the cow. But don't get off the cow until you find the horse.

Although I already knew the advice, I admire the way the Chinese have been able to express thoughts and feelings so well and so concise in so few words.

The Devil Tempts...

Damn - I hate this. I had been making up my mind to switch jobs. I was looking to a new start, a new begining, a new adventure, a new future....

And then, I hear rumours that my company will increase pay rise by 10% - 10% is quite high... They did the same thing a few years ago- raised wages by 10% 2-3 years ago... now they're doing it again (most probably it is true).

Now I have to re-think my future.. maybe my job isn't that bad after all... I do need the savings.

*Shit* I hate myself for being so weak.

Soul Searching Trip

I took one week off work and went back to my little hometown. And I had the best time of my life. Not because I saw beautiful sights and sounds, or went on adventures and met exciting people, but I spent a lot of time with my Grandma and my family.

My Grandma had been very weak before I came home- didn't have the will to live. But we had a great time together this past week- I can tell from her eyes - and my gosh, did her energy come back. She cooked, play mahjong walked and we talked about everything under the sun from her life when she was a girl, to my grandad to the time when he died, to her dreams of him, and advice on life. And when she played Mahjong with my mum, sis and me, she was so energetic! So full of life...

I had never seen her so happy. I had never been so happy. And she told me that I was her "Happy Pill"- I guess she just wanted someone to talk to about her inner deepest feelings. I think she was also very lonely. I don't want her to be lonely or sad or misreable.

My dad also took time off work. We also had plenty soul-searching talk about life. He told me " The main aim in life is to be happy. Work should never get in the way of your happiness".

I think this week I've realised what makes me very happy - being around my grandma and my family. It makes me think that I should give up a high flying job (that's really shit anyway), leave a safe and clean environment, an independent life in Singapore- and move back closely to home...

A Little Black Cat

I had intended to write about a stray crippled and sick little black kitten that always snuggled up to a stray dog -and they would both take care of each other - but I can't anymore. Because my dog, Clipper, bit it to death. Right in front of me. And all this while, the white stray which was just next to it was eating it's dinner. I won't rely on that dog to save my life. Ever.

It's horrible seeing a cat die right in front of you. Even more horrible when it's your dog that's killing it. Let me spare you the gruesome details. But life went on. After my mum and I wrapped the poor thing in a bag, we went in and had our dinner.

And we don't speak of it again. We are getting detached from death. But life is so fragile. Clipper got the hiding of her life. Now she looks so miserable. Poor thing.

The Loss of Wisdom Joe

I feel liberated - I had my wisdom tooth removed just an hour ago. The right side of my face is still numb, and I still can't feel the pain, but the dentist has prescribed tons of pain killers - I can't wait...

This wisdom tooth- let's call him Joe, had been troubling me for over 3 years. It hadn't grown straight, but was instead derailed from the track of my other teeth... and Joe decided to grow the area where the flesh was thickest so that part of it would never see the light of day. Because of this, my gums around the area was always infected.. gave me bad breath and irritation.

So this holiday, I went to a dentist, Dr. O. As I was in the dentist chair, he pulled out a F***ing large steel needle- the length of my index finger to my wrist, and put it besides a tray of scissors and sharp instruments that he would use on me. It was nerve wrecking. But the needle contained anesthetics which worked wonders, and numbed the entire right side of my face.

Then he told me " Your tooth is quite near the nerves- so maybe after the extraction, the left side of your lips may be numb for a few weeks, maybe a few months - but don't worry, it's nothing serious." *gulp*

Half an hour later, he started the operation. I could see him take a scissors and cut away at my flesh (remember, Joe was partly hidden) - then he stopped. And turned to another doctor, and was in deep discussion- on how close my tooth was to the bone, and whether it was worthwhile to cut into my bone, and the nerve damage that I may experience- all this while I had my mouth open. I was so scared and so ready to just tell them to stop and leave the practice there and then.

Luckily for me - my irritation with Joe got the better of me. He was a tremendous pain in the mouth. And luckily, Doctor O decided to stop quizzing his other doctor. When he went down to it - it was quite crude- he held my chin, and pulled- and pulled- the way you would pull a heavy tree trunk out of your path- with brute force. Well, it felt like brute force, but I am sure doctor knew what he was doing - and Joe was out of my life even before I realised it.

Dr.O told me that that although this was an operation and surgery, it was simple extracting Joe, and hence, he would just charge me the rate for a tooth extraction, so I had to pay $40 instead of $300. When I told my mum, she said the trauma was worth it- for the price we were paying.
So much for unconditional motherly love. Anyway, I am glad that it's over. Thank god I only have 3 more wisdom tooth... Now I'm going to take my pain killer and be pampered the entire day