Conversation with God

Sometimes, if something doesn't belong to you - it doesn't matter how hard you try, or how much you sacrifice, you will never get it. And the best thing to do is to walk away...

But it pains you - walking away from something that your heart longs for...And every two steps you take away from your heart's desire, you take one step back because you can't let go...not yet, because you still hope that a miracle will happen.

But it never will. We are all fools when we chase after desires. And the only way to heal, is to fill the empty space, and to stop the pain.

For me, I am turning to God. I've resisted religion/beliefs for the longest time, but letting Him/ Her in that fateful day, and having a conversation with God, I felt my fears and frustrations all melted away, I felt hope and relief wash over me...

I've found peace - after the longest darkness....

Directions in the Land of the Dark

People that have known me would have known that I have been struggling at work for a long time. I had been seriously contemplating changing job. I have been frustrated with myself, and my work, and I felt like a failure. My work hadn't been giving me satisfacton, and I didn't see the point of my work. Basically, I felt like I was drowning. And I didn't know how to swim. It was a horrible feeling. So bad that I just wanted to throw in the towel.

My immediate boss- she's a nice person and she is damn smart. But when she guided me, she would just throw some work at me, and say "Do it." When I got lost, she would patiently point out where I was going wrong, and told me to "Buck up", but never "How". Time after time - so much so that I just felt my confidence drop and drop - because although I needed to buck up, sometimes, when you can't see the forests for the trees, you don't know how to tackle your problems. She would tell me is " You should know this by now!" or " So and so can do it, why can't you? " It hurt. And it didn't help. After a while, I was so afraid of her that communication was mainly by email - I had NO confidence. I was so demoralise. It was bad. I really wanted to throw in the towel. Never in my life did I feel so useless (even though, I was working my ass off).

I almost cried with joy when she told me that she was taking no pay leave for a year a few months ago. But by then, I was sick with my job.

Today- was my Appraisal. Before I went to see my boss- I thought to myself " I don't care what they tell me, because I won't be here long. I don't care anymore what I do."

But My Big Boss and my new immediate boss were amazing. They not only pointed out immediately why I wasn't performing as well as I could ( i.e. I had NO interest), they highlighted my weaknesses tactifully, knowing that I was dealing with one of the shittest companies in the country, and appreciated my efforts. Not only that, they also gave me directions, and suggestions on HOW I could solve my problems.

My big boss said " Knowing the objectives, the mission of the Company is the most most most important knowledge of the Company. The regulations, the laws, the numbers - these are the tools to help you achieve your goal" - That is very important. Sometimes, yes, I know it's simple, but when you're lost - you can't see anything. Seeing the light - it feels like someone has shown you the way - and you regain hope and your strength.

And my new immediate boss told me " I want to help you. We can do this. This can be done. And you will be my KPI. I will guide you. And this is How you can go about dealing with this problem..." . She didn't compare me to anyone, she didn't tell me " You should know this by now"- but she gave me directions, a goal, and objectives. She gave me a task, told me to concentrate on it, and then she would guide me. I felt a heavy heavy burden being lifted off me. For the first time in a year, I could breath, and there was hope. And I wasn't afraid.

They make me want to shine. They motivate me and make me want to push that extra mile. They inspired me to do my best. To hang in there. They make me believe that it will be worth it. I will try again.

Today - I realised the difference between a good leader and a bad leader.

I feel hope. I can do this...

Mr Right ... or Wrong ?

I joined a dating agency some time back. It's a Blind Date sort of thing- except, here, you don't get to see the picture of your potential guys. What happens is that the agency collects information about you: your history, your height, your occupation, your interests, your achievements, etc. and then try you match you with another person who has similar interests, hoping that both of you will have chemistry.

The lady at this agency, Mir, called me yesterday and today- introducing me to 2 men - Joseph and Sam. I'm rather picky in the men that they choose. I don't think they are good at choosing matches. My first date was a diasater with a capital D. I complianed that I wanted someone more laid back, less ambitious. So when Mir introduce new men to me, I scrutinize, ask lots of questions, complian, and you know what? - I get better services as a result.

So now, I have 2 contenders to choose from:

Contender 1 (* Read this in a flassy suavy voice*) : His name is Joseph, he's 26 years old- never been married, free thinker. Graduated from NTU (Singapore University), 1.77m in height and he's a lawyer. He's into the theatre and the museum. In his free time, he likes volunterring work. He likes to read non-fiction war stories, fantasies, and action. He likes red wine, after attending a wine appreciation course before. He's also a nature person, who likes to walk along the beach and appreciate the forest reserve. He's well articulated, and he's friendly, and he's laid back. He's a well articulated young man, and wears square glasses. Oh, and did I mentioned that he's laid back.

Contender 2: His name is Sam. He's 27 years old- never been married, Christian. Eldest in the family, Graduated from Cambridge, 1.70m in height and he's an aeronautical engineer. He's into snorkelling, hiking, wake boarding. He likes to read non-fiction war stories, fantasies and action. He also likes volunterring, spending a month in China teaching young children english. He's shy at first, but gradually opens up. Spontaneous and likes adventures. He's laid back, has board shoulders and boyishly good looks. (Honestly, I do not trust Mir's taste.) And he's into nature and travels frequently.

Now Mir wants me to make a choice. I've not too keen with the characteristics highlighted in bold. Hate lawyers, don't believe that boyishly good looks is good looking either. I'ver persuaded her to get me a third contender, and then I'll make my choices from these three. But this is my blind date experience. I don't think any of these dates will work out, but I guess, this is what makes my life interesting. So if you were me, which one would you choose? Stay tune to find out more about my third contender....

Personal Training

This evening, I couldn't wait to get off work. I was literally skipping my way to the gym for my hour of personal training. And I haven't been this excited about going anywhere.

Last week we worked on my core mucsles. Today, we worked on my back and arms. We start wtih warm up- 7 min on a step machine called 'THE STEP MASTER'. 7 min may not be long, BUT when you are forced to make 200 steps in 1 minuet, it is a killer. Usually, I warm up by myself, and 7:00min is the max that I do.

Today, Just as I made it to 6:30min and felt my legs were going to give way, my trainer, Andy had snuck up behind me and said "Let's make it to 11:00min !" - I am amazed what my legs can do under incredulous, unreasonable demands. And this was only the warm up...

...One hour later... it hurts, it's tiring, and at times, I just wanted to stop there and then. But I love pushing myself over the limit, beating obstacles one by one. I love the pain, the struggle, and afterwards when everything hurts. Andy is a god-send. I needed someone to push me, to encourage, guide, but not intimidate me or put me down.

The Gym makes me feel alive. And completing that hour of training, I feel like a success. It's a exhilarating feeling. My trainer tells me that I am doing great. Three sessions, and I've gained a bit of muscle weight, my posture is better, and I am more confident when I walk and talk.

It's amazing. This is the best money that I have ever spent in my life! *Happy*

Happy Sunday

Someone close told me that my blog was depressing. Well, actually, life had been quite sucky recently. Work and Life. I've been down in the dumps alot.





But today, Sunday- was a good day. All thanks to external forces:

I went to the gym, and my personal trainer gave me a good workout- he said " You want a toner, leaner body by September? No problem- Now give me thirty, no pain no gain!!" It was painful but my god, after pushing myself to the limit, I felt so cleansed, so recharged, so ready to take on the world again!

I love my gym, I love going to the gym, I love pushing myself to the limit, feeling the pain, the shortness of breath. It makes me feel alive.

One strange thing happened though. Not sure whether to laugh or cry

My personal trainer said" Do you know, sometimes you look like a little boy - I think its' the short hair and the things you say, reminds me of a little boy. The types that old Auntys and Uncles like" And he didn't stop there. " Actually, your face look like something out of a cartoon, actually. Do your brothers and sister look like you as well? "

Me- "What??!!!" Nobody had ever compared me to a cartoon before. The images of Donald duck appeared.

Trainer- " Well, it's not like you look like the Simpsons, but your face does look like a cartoon."

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry? What kind of comment was that? To cheer myself up, I thought Anime are also cartoons. Although, my eyes aren't really bigger than my mouth. And I do have a nose... well anyway.

The day went on better as I met two friends, one for lunch and another one for dinner. I hadn't met both of them in a long time, but having food and chatting with them was like nothing had ever changed. I do enjoy their company so much.

My lunch buddy was my university friend that I hadn't met although we were both working in the same city for over a year now. We were both very ashamed of ourselves, to let one year pass before meeting up. But we chatted as if nothing had changed. He tempted me to get 4 inches stiletto. He said " The best types of shoes a woman can wear to attract a man are the ones that are the most painful" And then he proceeded to choose the funkiest silver killer stilletos for me. My god. And you know what? It did ache for the 10 sec I wore them, but I did look gorgeous. But of course, I didn't buy them. I may be vain, but I'm not insane! I have missed his company.

Dinner was with one of my muse. A guy who always manages to brighten me up and to surprise me with the most interesting conversations. I always cheer up when I'm around him. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he laughs at my jokes.

And he puts things into perspective. Made me realise that if I don't quit my job now, I never will get another opportunity. And more importantly, it's not me that's boring, it's just that I can't really talk and talk around my colleagues, and it's OK because other people also feel this way. Because after work, I am interesting, charming and nice and fun to be with. I need that.

Work sometimes zaps away all my confidence, and a good friend who enjoys my company really gives my confidence back to me. Sometimes, that's more important than the air I breathe.

It's been a good day. God bless the gym and good friends.

Chilling out

This was taken while I was chilling out at the botanical garden sometime this year. It was actually very sunny (see sunglasses), but I was in the shade, hence the dimness.

Dtobe did some digital touch up for me which made the pictures even cooler.

It was the perfect way to spend a warm sunday afternoon- listening to Cafe del Mar music, reading a good book- and dozing off in the shades, and just let time pass you by.

It was a good day - a perfect day, if not for the fact that my trousers were stained with dirt afterwards. Now I'll remember to bring a blanket next time.

I should go again soon. It's been too long. I need to get away from the crowds.

Norwegian wood

I copied this from my old blog. Am trying to get everything centralized. This piece in Sept 06 was about a book that I had read, and swept me away. Now re-reading it, I'm making some editorial changes, so that it doesn't sound like some book review exercise that secondary school teachers make you do.

In early 2006, my then boyfriend's father bought me this book. I had never heard of Mr Murakami before, but when he told me that it was a love story, I wasn't really interested. I read it almost half a year later, and it blew me away.

Mr. Murakami has this magical power with words, drawing me into his world, as he describe the autumn breeze of Kyoto or the sweetness of Spring in Tokyo.

He tells a story of love and of longing, and it stays with you, long after you read the last word. And it does, because I was Watanabe, Naoko or Midori at some point in time. I have felt the longings, the pining, the love, the hope and the desperation that they have felt.

Mr Murakami showed me how flawed love is, and how flawed we are. And yet, admist our imperfections, he urges us to bravely embrace life, and to go on hoping, living, loving.

It gives me the strength to go on- to look for and to hold on to love, even though I know very well, it could dissapear tomorrow.

I'm going to re-read the book later today.

Friday Night Woes

It's Friday night- and I'm at home. With my faithful companion, J.P Chenet. And he's almost half gone. It's a good thing there's two of them here.

I'm sad. It's a horrible way to start a blog, but I'm sad. My best friend and confident has just left me. Actually, he wasn't with me - he was in Germany, and I'm in Singapore. But he was my best friend- and he was always there (on the phone) when I needed to talk, to vent to just let go.

Now he's gone on his gap year, and I'm all alone. No one I can honestly talk to. So now I'm writing in my blog now. You're going to hear me moan and groan- and hopefully, it'll get better..Now cross your fingers, or don't come back here. Because it's my blog.

Rainy Saturday Mornings

It's been a rainy saturday morning. I love it- the nice cool breeze, the sound of water, the peace and quiet of it all. I love being trapped at home on a rainy day, with a hot cuppa. And this is nothing like the cold misreable rain that you get in Britian. It's actually very refreshing.

Rainy days are great for catching up with friends and family. Was talking to my long lost friend online. He was telling me that back home (in India), they call this weather as 'Badmaashi ka mausam', that's weather for naughtiness. :D . Matured naughtiness, my friend explains. I think they've captured what everyone thinks about on cool rainy days.

I think I'll put on some music and fill my cuppa. I really don't want to leave the house.

The start of being interesting

This is what I found on the internet:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/how-to-be-interesting.html


yes- I am desperate. I need to get my life back. I feel so empty