Directions in the Land of the Dark

People that have known me would have known that I have been struggling at work for a long time. I had been seriously contemplating changing job. I have been frustrated with myself, and my work, and I felt like a failure. My work hadn't been giving me satisfacton, and I didn't see the point of my work. Basically, I felt like I was drowning. And I didn't know how to swim. It was a horrible feeling. So bad that I just wanted to throw in the towel.

My immediate boss- she's a nice person and she is damn smart. But when she guided me, she would just throw some work at me, and say "Do it." When I got lost, she would patiently point out where I was going wrong, and told me to "Buck up", but never "How". Time after time - so much so that I just felt my confidence drop and drop - because although I needed to buck up, sometimes, when you can't see the forests for the trees, you don't know how to tackle your problems. She would tell me is " You should know this by now!" or " So and so can do it, why can't you? " It hurt. And it didn't help. After a while, I was so afraid of her that communication was mainly by email - I had NO confidence. I was so demoralise. It was bad. I really wanted to throw in the towel. Never in my life did I feel so useless (even though, I was working my ass off).

I almost cried with joy when she told me that she was taking no pay leave for a year a few months ago. But by then, I was sick with my job.

Today- was my Appraisal. Before I went to see my boss- I thought to myself " I don't care what they tell me, because I won't be here long. I don't care anymore what I do."

But My Big Boss and my new immediate boss were amazing. They not only pointed out immediately why I wasn't performing as well as I could ( i.e. I had NO interest), they highlighted my weaknesses tactifully, knowing that I was dealing with one of the shittest companies in the country, and appreciated my efforts. Not only that, they also gave me directions, and suggestions on HOW I could solve my problems.

My big boss said " Knowing the objectives, the mission of the Company is the most most most important knowledge of the Company. The regulations, the laws, the numbers - these are the tools to help you achieve your goal" - That is very important. Sometimes, yes, I know it's simple, but when you're lost - you can't see anything. Seeing the light - it feels like someone has shown you the way - and you regain hope and your strength.

And my new immediate boss told me " I want to help you. We can do this. This can be done. And you will be my KPI. I will guide you. And this is How you can go about dealing with this problem..." . She didn't compare me to anyone, she didn't tell me " You should know this by now"- but she gave me directions, a goal, and objectives. She gave me a task, told me to concentrate on it, and then she would guide me. I felt a heavy heavy burden being lifted off me. For the first time in a year, I could breath, and there was hope. And I wasn't afraid.

They make me want to shine. They motivate me and make me want to push that extra mile. They inspired me to do my best. To hang in there. They make me believe that it will be worth it. I will try again.

Today - I realised the difference between a good leader and a bad leader.

I feel hope. I can do this...